i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
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I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
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STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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