**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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