I want to make a zoo with you.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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