I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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