i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
