I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
