He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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