just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
