I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
