People with herpes should wear stickers.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
