That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
