Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize