im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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