Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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