guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
