I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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