I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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