Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
