just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm passing your future prison.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
