there's paper in my vomit.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
