girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
