So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
