It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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