life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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