I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
