and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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