I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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