Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
