my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
