Sorry, I don't speak sober.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
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