we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
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No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Liz is crying about burritos again.
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Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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