Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Come on in and take your pants off
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