the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
