Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
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The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
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You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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