My liver just broke up with me...
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
