Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Please, let me fuck your mom
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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