Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
