I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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