I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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