My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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