i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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