dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
