textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
