just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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