Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
