I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize