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five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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