Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
