party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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