Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
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