Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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