it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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