I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
