the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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