Have you finally orgasmed yet?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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