I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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