Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
